Miss her!

I was originally going to save a blog for Wordless Wednesday but when I was searching random pictures, nothing quite held the mark like a picture of Helen and I. I decided to bump up the blog to today instead of Wednesday.
Today is the 2nd year anniversary that my stepmother, Helen, died. It's hard to believe that it's been 2 years since we said goodbye. As many of you know, Helen battled breast cancer for about 7 years before it ultimately took her life in 2008. And when I say battled, I mean she was a fierce knight w/ armor and all, ready with her sword! She didn't let it get her down, didn't succumb to the nausea, and only mildly complained about headaches. Heck, I wouldn't have even known she was on chemo unless she told me. I was usually too selfish and scared to ask.

Helen had been my stepmother for the previous 16 years, although it felt like longer. I've known her practically all of my life! I started going to Village Christian in 3rd grade and had difficulty making friends, but was good with the younger kids. I would always ask if I could play with the littler kids, kind of as a "big sister" role. Helen worked on that playground watching the same age group. One day she mentioned how she was going to the football game that Saturday and I said, "Hey, so are my dad and I". I told my dad that he HAD to meet Mrs. McBee (everyone was a Mrs to me back then). He was a gentleman and bought her coffee, only to discover that she didn't drink coffee. Two years later they were married.

Now, I can't say that it was always pleasant. As any sort of blended family who is not the Brady Bunch there were times of yelling, screaming, name calling, grounding...you name it. I know now, as an adult, that none of these were without warrant and without love. It wasn't until I became an adult that I learned to appreciate my parents (as many wise new adults often come to that realization). Helen and I developed a new-found respect for each other. As an adult she could treat me differently, and as an adult I reacted towards her differently. We quickly learned to develop a love for Cosmo's, shopping, fire pits and more shopping. Helen could spend like no other!! A trait my husband does not appreciate that I have.

Honestly when the diagnosis came, I was a sophomore in college. No one in my family had been sick, let alone, died before. This was all new and surreal to me. I didn't want to believe it so I said what everyone else said...we'll fight it! First came lumpectomy, radition, another lumpectomy, mastectomy to one, chemo, mastectomy to the other, chemo, chemo, chemo. This pattern went for 7 years, never in remission. 7 years of fighting.

It wasn't until January of 2008 that we realized that the end was near. I was fortunate enough to have a conversation with her, knowing that we didn't have long together. I thanked her for her profound role in my life, thanked her for beautifully planning my wedding and told her how I would miss her and grieved that my children would never know her. We cried, much like I am doing now in writing this. We knew that God had other plans although I wanted her to stay.

The next 4 months were just about the hardest in my life. New marriage, work, school, licensing exams and dealing with Helen dying. A part of my life I hope never to repeat. We were able to say goodbye in a lucid moment but continued to watch her slip away. I know she wouldn't have wanted it any other way, but all 4 of us kids and my dad were there as she passed.

A new chapter unfolds. I'm due to give birth to a daughter in the next 32 days. My daughter will never meet this amazing woman. That has been the hardest thing to deal with in my pregnancy. She had the opportunity to be a grandmother to 3 grandkids and did a darned good job at it!

I was telling a friend of mine today. Death is weird. This person goes from being such a part of your life, so accessible and so "there" to being a part of your history. That person was so accessible and such a part of me, and now it's something that I have to remember. And for those that meet me in the future and I talk about her or show that I'm influenced in some way, they will never understand because she is a part of my past. Not someone I can introduce them to. But if her influence lives on, then hopefully others can be drawn to her maker.

Helen, you were a great mother, a great step-mother and a terrific grandmother. You will forever be missed!